See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
