your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize