apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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