im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
