So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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