Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize