a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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