Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
