He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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