It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
