Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
