Duck Duck Cougar?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
