Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
