barbara walters just said penis...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
sarcasm needs its own font
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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