so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
