What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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