i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
