Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
