i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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