dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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