you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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