i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
