Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
