I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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