If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
