capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
