I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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