dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
