I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
