Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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