I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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