We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
