Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
