those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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