i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
