Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
