Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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