and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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