I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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