I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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