get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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