Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
