Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
