ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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