How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
