I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
