I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
