I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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