also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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