I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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