Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize