well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
