1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So drunk its hurt
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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