were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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