Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
