Whod you bang
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
